Not me

I remember getting an A for the first time in grade 4, and it felt so amazing that I started to be addicted to achievement. My brother came in my room and wanted to play but I yelled at him to go away because I wanted to study to achieve more because that was the only thing that made me feel good. I never noticed what a destructive addiction that was, but it hurt the people I loved the most. I had a painful empty feeling inside because being around my dad hurt and I didn’t understand why. He didn’t connect with me and I felt like he was rejecting me. He had a very abusive childhood and there was a reason he was cold. I thought it was my fault and I was just an awkward or boring or emotional or weak girl. I spent most of my life either achieving things or looking for an alternate life but I always came to that same empty painful feeling when I’m alone and doing nothing. I still wanted my dad to love me and even when I was angry at him, inside I was still begging for him to love me, because I thought I couldn’t feel better until he changed and loved me correctly. I always get involved with men who can’t love me either because they are married or something else, because I thought I had to suffer to feel connection. It hurts and I don’t want to do it obviously, but the alternative of being alone and facing the empty feeling scared me too much. But I realized now what the empty feeling is, and how it isn’t my fault. And if I choose to be alone, I will still be alone, and at times I will feel lonely, but it’s not the scary empty feeling anymore, because maybe I have a memory of the emptiness but it’s not mine, it’s my dads . And the pain isn’t uncontrollable anymore. There’s always something I can do that I enjoy like travelling or learning or sports or writing. It’s my dad who is scared of being alone. Not me. It’s my dad who thinks he does not deserve love. Not me.

It might always hurt a little, because I grew up this way. That’s okay, I’m not ashamed. I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come. I will be imperfect. I will be vulnerable. I will be braver than my dad.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: