my dad was abused and he loved me but he never knew how to show it, and when I was a child I didn’t understand why it didn’t feel good enough. And I was very smart and curious but I always wanted to understand the mystery of whether I was loved or not. I wasn’t sure. Sometimes yes and sometimes no. But as a child I was dependent on him so I lied to myself that this was the safest form of love. Later, when someone loved me and they showed it, I would reject it because (1) it reminded me of what I was missing in my life and that didn’t feel ‘good’ and (2) realizing that I had lied to myself was too scary, because then who is protecting me if my dad can’t do it?

I spent my whole life trying to figure out who loved me or not and I learned the painful way which ones are not. What I never realized, that was so obvious, was that this whole time my brother had loved me the right way and the best way and I rejected it. And that gives me the answer I always needed and it feels like hope, but it also hurts a lot because he’s gone forever.

People always ask what love is supposed to feel like. Probably if you need to ask then it will feel like pain. If you are so confused as to what love is supposed to be and you are lost, then right now, for you, this is probably what you need to feel, for now. Nobody wants to tell you this because you are probably hurting and they don’t want to tell you something that hurts, but I will tell you. Nobody wants to hear that but it’s true. That’s the only answer because love is not what thinks you are perfect, it is the thing that accepts you when you aren’t perfect but when you aren’t perfect everything is wrong and that is probably painful.

Trying to find something you never had is a long and winding road. Someone will love you and it will hurt. (Well actually someone won’t love you and make it hurt, but you will love someone and it will hurt. And you will convince yourself that they love you because that’s part of loving someone, including them in the social contract). Then it won’t hurt anymore, and then someone else will love you and it will hurt again, but in a different way. And when you aren’t interested in that pain anymore and you want a different kind of pain then someone else will hurt you again, until the only real pain is the risk of loving someone who could die or could suffer and you might hurt from seeing someone you love suffer.