January 26, 2023

I’m so excited to see the world because I know wherever my brother went, back into nature or the place between lives, I know he is part of the world now, and when I see the world and feel connected to it, we’re connected then. I feel how much he loved me because I told him I would be sad forever if he died and he made sure that wouldn’t happen.

At first I thought my parents would never be happy again and that made me sad but now I feel brave that I will be totally happy again and so will my parents, or else it won’t bother me anymore that my parents are sad.

I wish I could relive our childhood again. I don’t feel bad about the fights and the times I made him sad. All the sad and good times together is what makes life beautiful.

I was there, I was there till the end. I was his witness. I was there when it hurt, even when we were not physically together. I know it hurt and I knew it was a losing battle and we were together until the very end. No one Can tell me that’s not true that it’s not possible because it’s real and I feel it and I don’t care what else is true he’s with me and he’s connected and we love each other and we will always love each other and be together and I can build my world around this delusion that his life and his love mattered and the more time goes by the more real it is. And I keep discovering new things about my brother that I didn’t notice before and that’s what is in the future

You know sometimes you don’t feel good but you don’t feel too bad either and you can either care how you feel or don’t care how you feel. Well if you choose to care and if in that moment you notice how you feel because it matters to you and through noticing you decide that what you feel matters to you, all those little moments will eventually mean that you matter to yourself a lot, and if you keep going you will realize how much everything matters and life will be extraordinary

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