I’ve been driving around this big quiet park for the last few days. It’s so quiet that it feels like the volume of my thoughts intensified. It hurts the way all the trains of thought blare in my ears. It hurts being alone.
I think about all the things you said, how you blamed me for doing you wrong and how I fell for it and fought back, defending myself. I think about how exhausting that was. I tried to escape but now that I’m out here, your voice in my head gets louder, our imaginary arguments get angrier. Doors slam, glass breaks, things that shouldn’t be said are spoken.
I know that we look like we’re fighting on the outside but inside how we touch each other’s darkness in a way we can’t describe. How we push and pull until these walls around our hearts we built up like mazes with our brilliant minds start to unravel. But mine has unravelled a long time ago, and you keep changing your walls like the way you’re used to playing all alone. I got tired of holding my heart out, waiting, asking you to love me.
Somehow I always come back to this place where I know I need to leave but its hard to find the strength to let go. I’ve always struggled with holding on to bad relationships. I have alot of faith that life can be good and beautiful, and when directed at bad people, that can be a lethal combination for me. I can never define what it is that finally pushes me, and I wish I knew what that was because I thank it.
This road cuts through the landscape in a knowing way. It’s comforting, I imagine she knows where she’s going. It’s late and I’m the only one on the road. In my rear view mirror I can see a dazzling sunset. It’s probably cold and vague up close but from far away it takes your breath away. I pull my eyes back on the road. Even without looking back I know it’s setting and the road just keeps taking me forward.