Mad men

I kept telling myself he’s a bad man mad man

That he’s using me and leading me on

I did everything right by all accounts

I respected myself

I chose me

I walked away

I waited for the right opportunities and I forgave and was gentle and brave when necessary

I lived in Latin America

I dated other men

I danced and got my heart broken

I exercised and surfed even when it scared me

And I let time pass and I went to therapy and I listened to music and watched almost famous and cried when she danced and overdosed and asked why doesn’t he love me?

And after all that

Whenever I try to find the softest, truest, kindest corner of the world

The place I call home the place I hide when it all gets too much

There is his heart, unchanging and permanent like the past, like a history is to a city

It’s not that I can’t let go

I am let go

I’ve always been let go

So why is he never further or closer

Damn motherfuckers got so many strings in me

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