My brother died on Friday and I was given the news today.

I think the first thing I had to do was to be strong for my parents

I was the one that was always good at everything. In that respect I don’t have a lot of regard for human weakness. I think he taught me that weaknesses are beautiful too.

I wish I forgave him one more time. Just one more time could that have made the difference? But I can’t change the past. I can’t change my shortcomings, it won’t bring him back. That’s what I have to accept, that the guilt won’t bring him back. It can only help me appreciate how much I love him and how much love is there.

He was the one in our family to teach us what love is.

I think some of the guilt is correct. There is something to be learned about forgiving and connecting to others.

But I loved him very much and sometimes didn’t know the best way to show it but in my own way, wether it was the correct way or not I tried. I guess I wish he knew how much it was all for him. How the volunteering at the mental health hospital and even the work I do now is all for him. He became increasingly manipulative so I did fear telling him this. It was the exact interplay of everyone in our family and the exact ways in which we were scared to express love. I suppose what matters is to tell the people you care about how much you care about them.

I suppose I have reasons like being tired or scared. I know it’s real that there were other things I could have done. There are weaknesses in me

Underneath him being an asshole I knew he was a scared boy who wanted his big sister.

I miss you so much.