Wednesday

I’m not sure about having one soulmate

Sometimes you want different things that make you happy

It’s like when you’re younger and you want to prove yourself and be the best

And later you want to live in the mountains and live with animals

Sometimes you want passion and drama and complicated mess to test you and push you

And sometimes you don’t want to be pushed at all, even just to feel

Sometimes you don’t want to be ‘reminded’ that you have to be torn open to be alive

It’s Wednesday

Like a thousand other wednesdays

With or without him

Illness and orange sunsets bleeding on the basement walls, cat fur and internet shopping and Fleetwood Mac and laundry and making dinner

All feel the same as before him and during him and after him

The city he loves is a city someone I knew loved

Streets and coffee shops and front lawns outlast memory

At once I knew we were not magnificent

I can feel him pushing on my thoughts and I can’t fight it off

The weight of emotional rape

But I don’t need to win, it’s enough to know that those feelings aren’t mine to begin with

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