Getting old

when I was driving alone for many hours I realized some things. I realized travelling is mostly about waiting and driving. On a plane or a bus, at terminals. Most of travelling is not exciting. Real travellers enjoy this part of journey. I also think sometimes I feel old and tired or i have bad memories of the past. They take a hold on me. They tell me what the world is like. They tell me that my motorcycle will slide on soft mud. They tell me when the waves are too big for me. They tell me that relying on others comes with a cost. They tell me that a man is not worth losing my freedom for. 

I had so many difficult experiences, things that would break people. But they didn’t break me because I was unusually strong. They never got to the core. No one ever truly broke my heart. They broke other parts of me but they didn’t break my heart like the way I broke theirs. Their spirit changed after, they weren’t the same again.

I am turning 35 soon and I reached the time when everything got to me. I am scared of everything now, everything that could have possibly hurt he has done it. It has finally hurt beyond my power and intelligence to avoid it. 

I think this is the time when people get old. They choose to live in the memory of their fears. But now I can choose not to be old and do the things that I have a bad memory of, to try again. This is so different then when I was young and I do everything because I have no realization that it can hurt me. But finally I am choosing my life, choosing what to do knowing the risks. I am finally living on purpose. I am excited, the way I am always excited about getting old and become more responsible for myself. I think I was trying to race ahead to get here, always trying to make things more deep and intense than necessary.