Field Notes from Post-Kindness

I have been thinking about my last essay in which I stated that we should abolish the word kindness altogether. This is the most radical idea I have ever made. Obviously I had a lot of doubts about this. Several times I had to stop myself from describing someone as kind and I genuinely felt socially mutilated. I seriously questioned my previous position. 

I had a very interesting interaction with a restaurant owner in hojancha today. She was very talkative to me, she was clearly interested in my being Korean. I hung up my shorts on a railing outside the restaurant bevause they were wet from the rain. When I left I forgot them, and she chased me down to the supermarket to return them to me. I thanked her. As I was shopping, I kept thinking to myself that she was very kind. It was a tico hospitality that foreigners are used to. I was filled with all sorts of dreamy and romantic feelings about recieving her kindness. However due to my last essay in restricted myself from thinking with this word. According to my theory, she if not acting from kindness but from an affinity she feels towards me. She wasn’t trying to be kind, she wanted to be friends. I knew then what I wanted to do with all those good feelings I had about her. I bought a few chocolates, only 100 CRC each, and brought them to her. She was delighted and so was I, in equal measure.

When I left Hojancha I didn’t feel that what I had done was kind or what she had done was kind. I felt that we had met as equals in that moment, despite distances in economics, age, and language. It also seemed to prove the validity of my thesis. If I had believed in the existence of kindness I would have simply recieved her help. Or I would have felt too vulnerable and awkward to reciprocate and give her chocolates, that might have attracted unwanted attention. I could have overestimated the gift and left her feeling burdened or worse, feel less about her economic situation or want to take advantage of me as a foreigner. The existence of kindness would have turned this into a moral math problem. But because I removed this word entirely from my thoughts, I was able to reciprocate on a much stronger and equal level in a very easy way. I remember the awkwardness I felt while buying the chocolate pieces and the relief in the way she recieved it naturally. Without formality. I felt like we were two children. It was the joy of watching the machine disappear. 

I find this extremely curious and interesting. My next book i am going to read is the Naked Lunch by William Burroughs, which is considered one of the roots of the punk movement. He claims that all language is alien and used to oppress us. I think this will be an interesting development.