Inner compass

I get overwhelmed thinking about the way I was treated by my mother my whole life. When I try to see that version of myself now I easily drown in pain and resentment and hurt and fear. To think my entire life and identity as I know it is a product of abuse is unfathomable. I don’t know the extent of the damage that my mom made when she bullied me after sexual harassment incidents. I was particularly distraught by the betrayal of my belief in what she was teaching me, when she made twisted excuses to justify the pain she wanted to inflict. She taught me to not be beautiful so I don’t base my future or my character on appearances. So I have a fuller personality. She financially abused me and I never believed I had enough money. Almost everything she taught me about morality was just a way for her to manipulate me. But I chose to invest time in other hobbies other than being beautiful because I believed her. And I chose to work harder and save more money because I believed her. When she yelled at me for not responding to her messages immediately I believed that people need to communicate as a form of love. When she yelled at me for lying about not brushing my teeth when I was five, she said lying is always wrong no matter what, unconditionally. It was because she wanted to monitor and control me, I believed her that the truth matters, truth to others and truth within myself. Now I realize that there was very little betrayal. All along, I have been living and growing according to my own morals, my own guidance, my own inner compass, regardless of the intention with which my mom taught me those things.

Her shame taught me to never be ashamed or embarassed. Abuse, pain, confusion, isolation, taught me discipline, hope, morality, compassion and love.