Belonging as competition

I only experienced this in Latin America but belonging is a type of social currency and competition. I’m constantly being measured for my level of belonging. Constantly measured for my Spanish proficiency and how empathetic I act as a woman, how emotionally supportive I am. I used to internalize this and exclude myself. I excluded myself from my own compassion, from belonging to myself. I didn’t know what that feeling was but I always felt the feeling leave when I went back to Canada. In Canada people only judge me for my level of career success. It’s incredible what you learn when you cross thresholds between cultures.

At first, I started off strong, with a high status because being Canadian and Korean, people tend to like you before knowing you at all. People wanted to be my friend because they saw other people spending time with me. Eventually reality hits because I’m a real person with autism and I could sense when I disappointed people or got excluded. If there are some people I don’t like and don’t want to be friends with you get punished socially. And even worse of that if I spend a lot of time alone, because I’m autistic, then you’re just the person without friends. And why would anyone want to risk being around you?

All I can say to that is that I never felt so insecure or uncomfortable as when I was chasing acceptance the way I did in Latin America and it’s a deeply painful way to relate to yourself. It’s in the way people want to connect deeper, want to reach out and make plans but stop themselves. There is pain here that people pretend they don’t feel. I’m not even sure if they know they’re pretending.