Lighter

I used to wait for you. My hands were tied, there was nothing I could do but watch and wait. I couldn’t change your mind or persuade you in the least. I tried to do something though, I’m not sure what. Tried my best to choose you, tried to do what I thought you wanted from me. But always, always that pressing and overwhelming powerlessness of feeling like a child having no say in what happens next. Whether you choose me, whether you love me or not. I lost my mind worrying if you would choose me, wondering what you were thinking. What kind of choices you would be making, what kind of sacrifices you would be making and where I fit in, was I big or small to you? What is the weight of love against the weight of everything else, practical daily concerns and money and property and just about everything, everything that wasn’t me? You had me convinced that you were the king of sacrifices.

It was so long ago. I feel strange ghosts of unmade decisions echo inside when I go about planning trips and going about the business of life. It surprises me how much of a choice I have, how much lighter and easier the decisions are. I think to myself, he’s helping me with the burdens of life, it’s not so heavy. He’s a good man, you’d probably be proud of me if you could admit it. I suppose it would be nice if you were, but it doesn’t really matter. It’s funny, at first I thought he was making my life harder, but it just keeps getting easier. I tried to offer you the same and you had me convinced that I didn’t know how to love.