Fantasy of loneliness

The time and money we spend on Fantasies, just for us to become slaves to it. Yes, it seems right to be dedicated to something to the point of slavery, but do you know what that is?

There are men dedicated to the fantasy of being men, and women dedicated to the fantasy of being women. People dedicated to the fantasy of winning the lottery if they buy one more ticket. Maybe life didn’t make them lucky, but they fantasize that they are.

And what did I fantasize about? Love all providing and protecting and entertaining and adoring. Romance and magic and most of all — companionship.

I ask myself how lonely was it? How lonely was it really that I have dedicated my life to my fantasy?

Being beautiful makes you the subject of many fantasies. Some people wish they were smart, some people wish they were important, and others wish their marriage wasn’t failing. I hold so many fantasies inside me collected from my encounters and the overwhelmingly greatest one is loneliness. I’ve been loved in the name of loneliness and rejected in the name of loneliness. And yet, no one ever wants to give up their fantasies of loneliness. They never want to ask for help or share themselves for the fear of rejection.

Loneliness, silence, and emptiness. He was a dedicated friend and lover, I believed he would never lie to me or betray me like the others, but he too eventually betrayed and lied to me, I only was too weak to admit it. I admit we betrayed each other, not with other people but with the fantasies we have of each other. The fantasy I had of you was mean and angry because I wanted to hurt, I only knew how to hurt.

At 3am I suddenly wanted to see the stars, so I walked out into the yard. I looked up at as many stars as I have ever seen. Orion was straight above me with three stars in his belt and his proud angular shoulders. I looked up at the lovely sky and I wanted to give it up. Give up whatever fantasy I thought solitude would take me. Whatever is left unknown and undiscovered inside me. I wanted to be alone with you more than being alone with my fantasy of you.